I've been struggling to write this. It's hard to put down into words how my experiences have made me feel. It's also hard to make the memories less fuzzy since for years I've been suppressing them. I've had some people tell me that I'm lucky since my bullying was never physical, only mentally and emotionally. There is no such thing as a "lucky" victim when it comes to bullying. "Luck" doesn't get rid of the scars. I've heard every spiel, including, "Kids can be mean, but once you're older this won't matter anymore."
True and false. The kids are just wearing their adult suits now.
Those people don't have any impact on my life anymore; but they gave me the worst bully of all: the one in my head. What people don't realize is the remarks add up over the years and create this monster that doesn't go away easily. Every comment about my looks, my intelligence, and my personality has created this monster in my head that loves to say, "You look more ugly today than yesterday. You're the dumbest person on the planet. You can't do anything right. No one likes you, they just feel sorry for you."
It wasn't just people that were outside of my somewhat friend group in high school. Looking back, it was surprisingly the people closest to me at the time that were my biggest bullies. The ones that would ditch me at the mall when I was only fifteen and ignore my phone calls. When I cried and tried to talk to them about it later it was "You're being too sensitive." My emotions were never valid, and if I was upset then I was obviously overreacting.
But the thing is, I am smart. I know now that these weren't my friends and I know what real friendship looks like. I should be proud of myself because when this was happening, I was honest with my parents and they did their best to help me through this.
Now, when the monster wants to win, I try and fight back. I'm honest with my friends and family; I make sure I have my group of people who can build me up instead of pushing me down. And in return, I try and be the best person I can be for them. When it wants to say I'm worthless, I remember how much I help others and how much I care. I remind myself how strong I am. I respect myself.
I know my words are easier said than done, but I want others to know that bullying isn't just one thing. Too often it's the people closest to us that are hurting us. Or sometimes it's the comments that have built up over the years that created this monster that won't leave you alone. Remember to respect yourself and respect others; words are weapons and they leave wounds. Find people to talk to if you are hurting, it's hard to open up about this, but it's important. Find your own voice, remember who you are. You are important and you are valid. Resources and Information on Bullying
-Tesla Rush
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