In her TED Talk, radio show host Celeste Headlee shared some tips for how to have better conversations, and while I'm sure you've heard the basics ("make eye contact," "don't be on your phone," etc.), some of these tips may surprise you.
Don’t multi-task
This one is super important: when you multi-task, the people you are in a conversation with can’t tell if you are more invested in what they have to say or the homework you’re trying to finish. Pick which one is more important in the moment, and if it is not the conversation, try politely asking them if you can talk in a few minutes or when you are done.
2. Assume you have something to learn
Another way to state this one is: don’t shut what someone is saying out because you believe differently. When someone in a conversation begins talking about something you do not agree with, keep listening. Believe that there is something for you to learn in what they’re saying. It could be their point of view, a new idea you haven't heard, or an interesting fact. In any case, assume that you have something new to learn from every conversation.
3. Ask open ended questions
What happens when you ask, “Was your day good?” You’ll get one of two responses. They can either say yes or no. There is no opportunity for expansion of the conversation. Instead, you should ask open-ended questions like, “What was something good that happened today?” This way, you get to hear how they actually felt during their day, and you will likely be able to ask follow up questions.
4. Go with the flow
I am very guilty of not following this rule. When someone is talking, and I come up with a counterpoint or another story I want to add in, I completely tune them out until I can say my peace. Don’t do what I have done! If the conversation moves from the topic you wanted to talk about, wait for another time. The direction of good conversation can be unpredictable, but allow it to be. Do not try to constrain the conversation to solely what you want to talk about.
5. If you don’t know, say that
When you don’t know something about what another person is talking about, ask them to confirm. Otherwise, you will spend a lot of time trying to puzzle out what the conversation is even about, rather than understanding and being able to contribute.
6. Do not equate your experience with another person's
This tip is particularly hard. When your friend says they failed a test, you automatically respond with, “You may have failed that math test, but I bombed it. I got a 61!” But that isn’t a valuable response, because conversation is not a competition. Instead, sympathize and ask how you can help, or just listen to what your friend is saying. A lot of the time, what people want when they're talking is simply a friend to listen to them.
7. Try not to repeat yourself
When you repeat yourself in a conversation, it comes across as belittling and condescending. Think of a parent speaking to their toddler, telling them over and over, "No, you can't have another snack." Unless someone has not heard or understood what you've just said, make an effort to just say what you mean once and move on.
8. Stay out of the weeds
Telling a story should not involve setting up an entire backstory, nor should you put into words every single detail you remember about that particular set of events. Tell the relevant details and put aside the rest. If it does not enhance the story, leave it out and allow the listener to actually enjoy listening.
9. Listen
Most of the pieces of advice above have given advice on how to be a good speaker. Part of being a good speaker in a conversation is listening at times. Now, I am talking about how to be a good listener throughout the whole conversation. Take all of the tips about how to “show you’re listening” and kindly recycle them into this: when you are actually listening to someone, they will know. You won’t have to spend all your time making eye contact every 5 seconds. Give up the stand, and start actually paying attention rather than focusing on seeming like you are paying attention. Begin by wanting to be a part of the conversation and listening to them.
10. Be brief and be interested in other people
If at all possible, shorten your contributions to conversations and keep your mind open. As Headlee said, "prepare yourself to be amazed." Sincerely listen and expect that people will surprise you in wonderful ways. It will, more often than not, turn out to be true.
Hooray! You've made it through all 10 tips! You’re on your way to becoming a better sibling, friend, classmate, and overall conversationalist.
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